I attended my last University May Ball last night/this morning. My pal Anneka and I have made it a record three times to this bloody thing without having to queue in the rain at midnight for tickets once! That looks like it's going to be my biggest achievement at Uni.
The first year I was uber excited about it, believing it would be a night of electric romance and glamour. It was not. I brought an expensive satin dress and spent the whole evening trying not to get stuff down it and scowling at people who dared put their feet anywhere near the train. Then I spotted some petite Chinese girl wearing the exact same dress and looking miles better in it so I gave in and promptly spilled a vodka and coke down the front. Whilst romance was distinctly lacking I did attract some male attention that night in the form of a half Welsh, half Italian Lidl manger. Lidl, for those who don't know, is a white trash supermarket that saves you money by stacking the food on a pile on the floor rather than shelves. My Mother occasionally buys Russian pinapple juice from there which I refuse to drink, not that we're white trash, she's just thrifty. Anyway the whole thing was rather cheap and tacky and I was not impressed by him in the slighest but then he spoke Italian to me and I was a goner. I ended up back at his house and had my first of many one night stands. As soon as he fell asleep I legged it, fearing that by the morning I would not be the sexy, cool, wild young woman I believed I was a few hours ago but actually a cheap, drunk student with more than just vodka stains down my satin dress. I retreated back to my halls of residence and tried to forget the whole May Ball fiasco.
In the second year I went in a more casual pink slip dress and spent the night with a man by the name of Charlie on Charlie. We rode various fairground attractions, one of which was called the Mad Max which I almost died on because I was too small for the seat. This is pretty much how last night was - I didn't have high hopes. I was wearing a turquoise dress in the style of Angelina Jolie (no, honestly, I brought it at
www.asos.com) that kept slipping off my shoulders. Anneka and I headed to the fairground again and boarded the Whizzlers, those spinning ones where the carnies push you around. All was going well until some over eager carnie man began spinning round vigourously and not only did my dress ride all the way up my legs but both shoulders fell off. I was pretty naked by the time the ride stopped. That was about as eventful as the night got. There were no men I found attractive enough to go and drunkenly lean on in the hope of some action except the events manager, who I reckon looks like Colin Farrell, but he was working so he probably would have had me banned from the Union had I tried to get fresh with him. The main act of the night, Liberty X, got frightened off stage when some tosser let off a smoke bomb and the entire place had to be evacuated. Apparently they jumped straight into their waiting cars and zoomed off, refusing to go back on. Luckily for us students, Chesney Hawkes, the second headlining act saved the day with a one and a half hour set that included American Pie, Space Cowboy and Jumping Jack Flash. I was drunk so I found it all very exciting. He finished the night with his Number One hit smash, The One and Only and I started cheering along like it was Nelson Mandela's release party. After that I went immeadiately drunk tired and had to stumble home. I woke up this morning with miracously no hangover but plenty of bruises from those lame rides.
So farewell to the May Ball, we've had our ups and downs but I'm glad of our time together, it was an experience.
Have you ever walked into a supermarket and completely forgotten what you went in for? I thought that stuff like that only happened to old people but, alas, no. I needed bread and milk but I brought two cheesecakes and a bottle of Bacardi. I almost brought two-for-one Pringles as well but there was an obese person blocking the aisle. I took it as a warning.
