The Medieval Fayre

I'm not sure why we went but now I know we'll never, ever go again. Usually I appreciate English eccentricity - cow trials, cheese-rolling, Morris dancing - but these dudes were seriously fucked UP.

So it was Father's Day and being the good daughter I am I said, "Dad, what should we do today?". Dad replied, "There's an antique fair on at Arley Hall. I'd like to go to that and see if I can invest my life savings in grandfather clocks". I said, "Not fucking likely. When they say 'antique fair' they really mean 'car boot sale' but with tressel tables. There'll just be chewed Smurfs and jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing. We're not going there. Hey! Let's go to this Medieval Fayre at Tatton that I've just noticed advertised in the newspaper!". Dad replied, "Er, no". So thirty minutes later we were on our way to the Medieval Fayre.

Outside the Medieval Fayre there was a doughnut and crepe van which I later learnt had only been placed there to taunt us as inside the Medieval Fayre all you could buy was real ale, hog pie and scones. Nice. Mum hilariously asked the Gandalf looking man who was running the 'food' stall if they had a gluten-free option. Er, Mum, what part of medieval do you not understand? He looked at her like she'd just asked to hold a private court with King Arthur.

Everyone was dressed up like some peasant which was fucking creepy. They had real swords too. Dad loudly announced, "If I were to dress up to come to a medieval fayre I'd come as the King not some country oaf!". He later admitted that everything was, "making him feel uncomfortable". Everyone was really getting into it - using old english accents and they're were pigs running around! They were holding the fayre at this Tudor hall so with all these tents pitched in front of it and all these nutters walking around it was completely surreal. Occassionally you'd spot a Coke bottle and remember where you really were.

Anyway, it started to rain so Dad suggested we leg it promptly before we got huddled into a tent by the ironsmith who was making jousting armour (just like in A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger) and keep smiling weirdly at us. We also had to stop Mum and Aunty Ange from buying gowns a la Rivendell. I demanded a crepe on the way out.

And another thing! I got admitted as a child! Mum got her money out to pay and the man in the ticket booth said, "So that's four adults and a child is it?". I was about to say, "No, actually. I'm 22, dickwad," but Mum jabbed me really hard in the ribs and said, "Yes, and one child".