britpopbaby's Night Down The Old Nick

And what a night it was! First off, I went there of my own accord, well, my mother's accord. She is desperate for me to join the police or as she likes to put it, 'Wouldn't it be nice to know you could get in, you know, if you wanted to'. Er, what? Fortunately it doesn't take Freud to work out the cogs behind this wheel. My Mum wanted to join the police when she was younger but couldn't because she had a heart defect (not serious, not even sure if she still has it but enough to keep her out the force). This is why I'm mainly going along with it, well, until someone hands me a bullet proof vest and tells me to watch their back or some shit.

The evening in question was a 'Familarisation Evening' for prospective recruits. Not as sexy as it sounds. I was hoping to get familar with some officers because there is a TV programme on BBC One at the moment called 'Traffic Cops' starring our local police station and some of the chaps they feature on there are very arrestable.

The first hint that I might not be quite the right material for Her Majesty's boys in blue came when I was getting ready to attend said 'Familarisation Evening'. Instead of thinking, 'What questions should I ask?', 'What issues are facing the police force today?' I was thinking, 'How much make-up should I put on?' and 'What should I wear? Pumps or flip-flops?'. After deciding on pumps and a respectable yet pretty mascara/lipgloss combo I boarded my sexy Italian car and bombed it to the police station, playing the steering wheel bongos along to Shakira. My hips don't lie either, baby. I broke every speed limit: hint two.

Arriving at the imposing headquarters I managed to neogiate both the speed bumps and security barrier. Once inside the building I did feel like I had committed a crime but I felt naughty not scared. Then the retardedness began...

First of all they made everyone sign in at three different points - once in reception, once in the canteen (?) and once in the final lecture room. Not only did you have to sign and print your name, you also had to note down your nationality - British White if you're interested. In all this took about twenty minutes each time because there were so many of us. I understand you have to have some level of security because it's the county police HQ but c'mon! As everyone signed in thrice I could feel my life slipping away before me and I hadn't even been recruited yet!

I was one of the first into the lecture room so I got to watch everyone else come in. I'd say about half of them looked like criminals - automatic assumptions about people based on looks alone - hint number three that I should not be a police officer, but wait - the next hour unfolded as some officer calling himself Head of Recruitment gave the world's most boring talk about how to fill in the application form correctly. It was like being spoken to like a five year old. I soon saw that quite a few people in the room needed things explained even more clearly so prehaps his tact was correct. When he came to the part about Criminal Convictions I naively thought we'd skip through this bit rather quickly, after all, why would anyone with criminal convictions attempt to join the police? OH MY GOD. Half the room started asking questions about driving offences and public orders! Retracting hint three that I shouldn't be an officer - I can spot criminals from appearance alone.

Other stupid questions asked included: "Will the police force buy me a house if I have to relocate?", "Do you have to wear boots because I have metal rods holding my ankles together?", "I got a parking ticket in Sainbury's car park once. Will you hold it against me?" and "I've applied to the police four times now and they haven't accepted me once. What am I doing wrong?" the same man later brought up some complicated point about serving time so I assumed that's where he'd gone wrong.

That was about it. I left in an almighty huff and also with the urge to scream out, 'I have a fucking degree! I'm better than this shit!". But I didn't. When I replayed the whole evening back to my parents Dad said, "Doesn't that give you encourgement that you'll get in?". Dad, were you even listening?