I do not make a good gnocchi

I guess I can add that to my list of things I cannot cook:

• Any kind of meat
• Any kind of veg
• Salads
• Sauces
• Toast
• Cheesecake
• Mud pies

I'm stating it here now: I'm not interested in cooking. I'm interested in eating food, just not fucking around with scales and dashes and simmering and par-boiling and kneeding and whatever the hell it is people do in a kitchen for three hours.

I feel gulity about not being able to cook. Why? I always scorn at those women who give their kids microwave meals or eat take-out every night and McDonalds, urgh, but I know I'll be the same if not worse. My kids will probably have to scavenge in the neighbour's bins for nutrition.

I also feel like I should at least have a 'signature' dish so then I could say, "Oh! I can't cook for shit but saying that, I do make a mean prawn bisque!". That's why I tried to make gnocchi tonight - everyone loves Italian food right? It was like chewing on sponge.

I always wondered how I survived at Uni with my complete lack of cooking ability but here is how (and Anneka can back me up big time on this):

Breakfast (to be taken around noon): Crunchy Nut Cornflakes or, if we were on a *coughspluttercough* health kick, All Bran Flakes not strands! Rach used to eat those minging strands.

Lunch (to be taken around three): Biscuits and tea - mainly Penguins and Fox's Crunch Creams. Jaffa cakes were also popular. Tea was mainly PG Tips or sometimes a Typhoo affair. I also went through a Bird's Eye chicken burger sandwich with cheese phase.

Dinner (or as we say in Northern England, 'Tea'): Now this is the best part. For three years I mainly rotated between Spag Bol with the twisty pasta not actual spaghetti, frozen pizza (you used to get about 6 for £2 in Morrisons), more chicken burgers, oven chips and more biscuits. I sometimes had peas because, one time, Rach brought the biggest bag possible and then realised she couldn't eat them all before the three years at Uni were up.

Supper: Bitch piss, chips from the kebab shop, more tea.

Snacks: Tea. And the occassional satsuma when Anneka thought they were going rotten.

I think we attempted to actually cook about, um, once. Oh! I know what my signature dish can be! Those Harry Potter fairy cakes where you just have to add water!