I do not make a good gnocchi

I guess I can add that to my list of things I cannot cook:

• Any kind of meat
• Any kind of veg
• Salads
• Sauces
• Toast
• Cheesecake
• Mud pies

I'm stating it here now: I'm not interested in cooking. I'm interested in eating food, just not fucking around with scales and dashes and simmering and par-boiling and kneeding and whatever the hell it is people do in a kitchen for three hours.

I feel gulity about not being able to cook. Why? I always scorn at those women who give their kids microwave meals or eat take-out every night and McDonalds, urgh, but I know I'll be the same if not worse. My kids will probably have to scavenge in the neighbour's bins for nutrition.

I also feel like I should at least have a 'signature' dish so then I could say, "Oh! I can't cook for shit but saying that, I do make a mean prawn bisque!". That's why I tried to make gnocchi tonight - everyone loves Italian food right? It was like chewing on sponge.

I always wondered how I survived at Uni with my complete lack of cooking ability but here is how (and Anneka can back me up big time on this):

Breakfast (to be taken around noon): Crunchy Nut Cornflakes or, if we were on a *coughspluttercough* health kick, All Bran Flakes not strands! Rach used to eat those minging strands.

Lunch (to be taken around three): Biscuits and tea - mainly Penguins and Fox's Crunch Creams. Jaffa cakes were also popular. Tea was mainly PG Tips or sometimes a Typhoo affair. I also went through a Bird's Eye chicken burger sandwich with cheese phase.

Dinner (or as we say in Northern England, 'Tea'): Now this is the best part. For three years I mainly rotated between Spag Bol with the twisty pasta not actual spaghetti, frozen pizza (you used to get about 6 for £2 in Morrisons), more chicken burgers, oven chips and more biscuits. I sometimes had peas because, one time, Rach brought the biggest bag possible and then realised she couldn't eat them all before the three years at Uni were up.

Supper: Bitch piss, chips from the kebab shop, more tea.

Snacks: Tea. And the occassional satsuma when Anneka thought they were going rotten.

I think we attempted to actually cook about, um, once. Oh! I know what my signature dish can be! Those Harry Potter fairy cakes where you just have to add water!

Annoying things that happened today mainly involving my Mother.

What is it with mother/daughter relationships? I seriously could not cope without her but some days I want to manually burrow a hole in the back yard to hide from her.

She dragged me into town today for 'bank business'. Urgh. The word 'bank' makes me shudder. I don't understand anything monetary. It takes me all my concentration to even read letters from the bank and then I have to lie down for a week before acting on them. The IRS gave me £84 the other week. I have no idea why. Oh, I do know I'm in a shit load of debt though. Thanks, Tony Blair!

Yeah, anyway, we got into town and I went through the bank 'system' all by myself, fairly unscathed. Didn't even try to tug the pen off the chain - growth! Maturity! But then my mother needed to deposit or withdraw or rob the cashier or something so I waited by the door and managed to read the front cover of a leaflet on mortgages - more growth! When I turned back I saw my mother shaking a box of pens by the cashiers window. She was pulling at the sides trying to get a free bank branded pen out. It wouldn't have been so bad if people hadn't been waiting. She actually started to bang the box against the wall to get it open. Folks were staring. Burrow! Where's my burrow?!

She finally managed to emancipate a pen and left the cashiers window. As she walked towards me she looked mighty pleased with herself and waved her hard won victory in the air mouthing 'Free pen!' like the WHOLE bank doesn't know you just got a free pen, mother! I just rolled my eyes. Honestly, it's too late in the day to change her now.

Next we were in a clothes shop. Mama had kindly offered to buy me a skirt suit so I would stop going to job interviews in 'inappropiate' outfits. I personally think this dress screams 'Hire Me!'. I have an aversion to anything that sends out a corperate aura and woman's suits say that to me but meh, who am I to turn down free clothes. So we picked one out which was relatively painless and went to pay. The lady on the till asked, 'Would you like the hangers?' and I was just about to reply when my mother literally leaned across the front of me and said loudly, 'Oh yes! That why she might actually hang it up instead of leaving it on the floor like everything else!' and then she laughed to herself. The lady on the till looked a little shocked because that's the kind of thing you say when your daughter is aged between 5 and 13 NOT fucking 22! She ALWAYS does that which is why I NEVER usually go clothes shopping with her.

By now I was a little aggreviated and I wanted some Fruit Gums to alleviate this. I walked into the One-Stop or Tesco Express or whatever the fuck they're calling it now and got all excited when I thought the Gums were on offer (3 for 89p if your curious). Upon closer inspection it was only Fruit Pastelles, Rolos and KitKat Chunkies that were on offer - Fruit Gums were not a part of this deal. My mother materialised at my side and I said something like, 'That's a shame, the Fruit Gums aren't on offer'. Then she just says, without EVEN LOOKING, 'Yes they are'. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT? WHERE HAS THAT COME FROM? I know you're probably thinking I'm over reacting but this is typical behaviour from my mother. She thinks I'm that irresponsible and untrustworthy that she automatically assumes the opposite of what I say must be true even about something like confectionary offers. Okay, so that's a little exterme but why would she say that? It's like she accidentally walked into an operating theatre and the doctor said to her, 'These organs are not okay for transplant' and she said, 'Yes they are'. Just 'Yes they are!'

I actually pulled the little plastic bubble sign thing that said '3 for 89p' off the rack and made her read it. She didn't seem to have any reason for saying 'Yes they are'. I seriously don't get it.